maybe i am in a sappy state of mind, so what ?

why is it that when you start feeling a bit lonely you start to notice all the couples ? the cute, kissy, lovey-dovey couples ? even down right to the pigeons courting each other and fucking ? perhaps the pigeons have it right, the guy fluffs his feathers and chases the girl around while she ignores him. then they eventually go at it. am i demented for watching birds fuck? i feel as if people think i am living vicariously through these pigeons, but at this point i might just be. perhaps its this age, not many are in relationships at 19, but some are ! why can't i be part of that smaller ratio ? perhaps its cause im funny looking ? i can't tell anymore, whos pretty and whos not . i look in the mirror and i can not tell if im attractive or severely retarded looking . maybe its all part of not quite feeling myself ? i dont recognize myself, i never do. if you asked me how i looked i'd say green eyes, brown hair, pierced nose, big head and average body. but other than that i couldn't give a sketch artist a very detailed description of myself looking in a mirror, how do i know for sure that the person looking back in the mirror is truly me? i dont even know anymore. what was meant to be a rant about how much i am craving some cuddling and sweet lovin turned into some depressing rant about who i am- how typical . but then again, i don't think im mature enough for a serious relationship, or even a sexual one. i think im sexually awkward. actually to be more accurate i think that i have no clue what im doing and that i truly suck at sex. now thats truly a depressing thought, isn't it ?